Getting Beyond My Death

Since my last visit with my new doctor, I find myself back where I was when I was told I had only six days. I think it's not a good place to be. I don't want to be dramatic, but it changes the entire tenor of your life when your death is around the corner. I do know what the death row prisoner is asked to go through. How many times will I be asked to hang it all up. I want so desperately to go beyond my transition and fall upon my faith and the new life I'll be called to share with all who have gone before me. I've spent a good amount of time on my failures and my hurts of so many others and I'd like to get focused on how much bigger they all are and perhaps the forgiveness they may already have for me. It's not easy to be laid bare. I just heard from a classmate that the cause of my friend Stan Rother has moved ahead. They have examined his life at great length and found it to be heroic. I could have told them the same. It's funny, Stan and I spent a lot of time together and had many, many intimate conversations together, but he is definitely a person in my life I do not have to ask for forgiveness. I guess his goodness transferred to me in some way. As he did not ask to be spared, I am reluctant to ask him for me. Rather, I pray for his courage, love and sense of justice. He loved his people and they loved him. My life has been full of Stan Rother's. I only wish I could have emulated them more closely.

Tomorrow, I see my doctor. I'm not sure what I will hear so I wanted to get something in writing. I pray for the grace to get beyond transition and into the hands of Mary and Jesus where I can then approach the Father. The Holy Spirit has stayed behind as a strength for the final journey, Forgive me for this very personal entry.

The Finality, No Frank it's Not Final

Yesterday was 0911, but that wasn't the end, but the beginning.

Last week I met with my new specialist for what I thought was to be further "good news." My faith tells me it was "good news". I've started my final journey and my cancer is no longer stable. That incurable cancer is sitting out there just waiting for its time.

Through these last years I was beginning to feel guilty by continuing to hang in there. Don't get me wrong, I'm 100% human and these end times scare the hell out of me, but sometimes so many good things happen that give you strength. Tonight I was lying here and my depression pill was yet to kick in when I went to my blog. I don't know why, but I went to the comment section and it was incredible. Do you have any idea what wonderful things you said to me? My God, if just some of them are true, maybe there is some hope for me.

My entire life has taught me and I have believed in the "Good News." Help me renew my faith, and never let it slip simply because the going might get rough.

Thank God for your continued friendship.

The Deck & The Green Grass

I don't know when our home looked so beautiful. For the last month, pretty much without fail, I've had the luxury of sitting outside and absorbing the rays. The weather has been delightful and it's brought new vitality to each moment. At times I've even feared a sunburn. Can you imagine a sunburn in Tacoma?

Who said I didn't have a retirement? These last days have been more than a retirement. Without the hassle of travel, the added expense of extra luggage and the charges for better seating, use of pillows and blankets my front and rear of the house have been heavenly. Sheila did countless flower pots while she was with us and they are truly beautiful and accent the beauty of nature. The rabbits and birds have been constant companions. The rabbits seem to be younger and filled with vitality. At first we thought them a threat to the flower pots, but the cones on the ground seemed to be sufficient enough for them. The birds came and went. All of a sudden they were everywhere. They returned to their old haunts and refurnished their nests around the house and on the house. I had my own seat for their cycle of bringing new life to our area. It's hard to put a number on the births. All came into this world without the aid of mid-wife or doctor. I wasn't aware of any c sections. The first days when they peeked over the edge of their nests were exciting. I even became accustomed to their language of hunger and the flight plans of parents each day to provide sustenance to their young. The last few weeks have again quieted down as the young "flew the coop". However, those weeks were really pleasant as I sat and meditated, read the newspapers and finished a few books. I even got in a sketch of the front yard which was fun. If I only had talent, painting would be incredible. I sat out for hours and Kris joined me one day for well over eight o'clock.

We've taken a few baby steps in moving towards Denver. Our neighbor sat with us one afternoon and shared loads of ideas and practical help. I was happy as can be because he reinforced many of the points I made. It's easy when another comes up with things because it feels like you're swimming against the tide when their yours. We have even given up some things. Some, but not much.

I don't know how many of you may have seen South Pacific on PBS but if you did I'm sure you felt the same as Kris and I, magnificent. The stars and cast were A number one Broadway. Being blessed with wide screen it was almost like front row center at Times Square. What a pleasure! You must watch channel 9 and its great programming. An education with every show. I hope you also tune into the cspan's to see for yourself what is happening in Washington by watching the congressional hearings on important legislation. Enough of that, I don't get a commission for my tv recommendations.

One of our neighbors is in need of your prayers. He is a young guy who just went through his second bone marrow transplant. His wife lost her father to Multi Myeloma. Like me he was only given a few days to live and that's what happened. The father, shortly after his diagnosis died. I must have been one of the first with the new medications. Tom is the father of a young baby . He is a lawyer with a very bright future. His wife needs those prayers so don't let her down. There is an auction for them today. The family has to rent a second residence in Seattle while Tom is treated for his cancer. Don't let him down.

Come back July, where did you go?

It's been too long since my last blog. I looked down and it was July 1st and now August is slipping away. I know I didn't waste it all. I've tried to use each day profitably, but maybe that's what makes it travel at light speed. Our grandson Kellan told his grandmother that he was going "back" to school. He's in the second grade. Grandma was heartbroken because she missed so much of the first grade.

My tests have come back with a little blip in them. They're monitoring them closely so don't forget those prayers that have gotten me this far. I have a new doctor who is trying to get a handle on my history so there is a little frustration on the part of all involved.

Chloe's sister has been here for the last seven weeks and has helped with every aspect of our lives and we couldn't be more appreciative. It will be with a heavy heart that we drop her off at the airport next Saturday.

I picked up my paint brush last week and that felt good. I'm going to try and do another portrait. I was enthused by the kind remarks of Doc upon the reception of his portrait. He made my day. Perhaps I can do more and I'm going to move ahead.

We are thinking very hard about the possibility of moving to Denver. It would mean leaving Monty Pope behind, but it would bring Kellan, Zoe Brooklyn and Dexter closer. Chloe misses every day as do I, but I'm just overwhelmed by the love of the kids and their grandma. I wish every kid in the world got a touch of that "love". It sure would make the world a better place to live. Yesterday was baseball day in the backyard with Monty. He can slam that ball and he is able to hit it over the fence. Again, grandma was out there with her broken arm catching, running, tagging and allowing him to score every time he ran the bases. That was after several hours in the Kellan Monty play room. If we move there has to be one of those rooms in the house where they can run and play their hearts out.

Laura is now at the end of my bed where she sleeps every night. She is the greatest cat and we have been very lucky with her. We fell in love with her at the pound and she has never let us down. Hurray for Laura,

The days have been a gift from the heavens. I've actually been acting like I'm retired. For at least five days in a row I have been sitting outside and reading. We went to Barnes and Noble and went nuts. They had reduced a whole slew of hard covers to six and seven $. They were good books and we broke the bank. I'm just finishing over a thousand pages of the Ronald Reagan Diary. Although I'm not necessarily a big fan I identify very well with every entry. He wrote an entry for every day of his presidency of the eight years. He loved Nancy more than anything in his life and was a mess whenever she left the White House without him. He loved her almost as much as I love Chloe. I've been in heaven going from out front to out back and suckng in every moment of just right sun shine.

We had at least eight baby birds born around our home this year. It happens every year and brings a certain warmth to the house each year. You can almost set your calendar to their arrival.

I'd be indebted to you if you would remember my best friend Msgr Jim Cooney. Our relationship stretches back beyond 50+ years. He has been really sick and age is not being nice to him. If you have not had a friend like Jim in your life you have been impoverished. Thanks.

I want to also thank all of you "out there" who have taken the time to periodically read my ramblings. Stay well, smile and above all else "Hang in there."

Update

Since last we met I spent seven days in the hospital. They said I was really in bad shape and the surgeons followed me right through the last day. I left the hospital much better than when I entered. That's the name of the game. I also met and found many friends, doctors, nurses and aides. It was good to go home, but the stay was not all that bad.

Chloe continues to keep my body and soul together. Not an easy job. Immediately I'm going through my withdrawals of night sweats, nightmares and depression due to being off my cancer pill. I go 27 days on and 7 days off. Every cycle is hell as I withdraw. There is disagreement about what we should do. If anything! It keeps me in touch with those suffering from the pill industry, but I would not be alive without them.

Laura and others were happy to have me return home. I've managed to get out of my bed every day since my return. I'm going to try and stay active and try to develop some muscles that I haven't used in quite a while. Perhaps I can even make it just a little easier on Chloe. That can make a difference.

I feel very blah right now and I think that's exactly what I'm putting on paper, blah and plenty of it. I don't know why I should subject you to how I feel. I'll give it a few more minutes and then give up the ghost. I'm watching Last Comedian Standing as I labor through this blog. I can't tell who more is in need me or them. I can't believe they are so bad, but I have a great deal of respect for comedy, but it's not here tonight.

Please keep me in your thoughts as I work through a few things. I know God has kept me around to make a contribution and pray I'll find out exactly what that is. I'm excited about the possibilities, but anxious about getting started.

The Comedy Club is now starting to go before the audience. I think it’s going to be a slaughter house. Duck folks the bricks are on their way or they should be. I don't like the way they have this laid out and I think it’s doomed before getting started. I'm going to stop the blog and pay attention and if things don't change they will have the plug pulled. In the old days there must have been more drinking. Oh no.

It's a new day and I'm still not with it. It's Thursday and it will be Saturday night before I go back on my chemo pill. I can't begin to imagine what people went through without it. It makes you less of a judge about those who take things in their own hands. Every day I reach out to those suffering and their loved ones. Let God be their judge.

I wish I heard more from you all. Just a little note on the blog will go a long way in staying in touch with you. I care very much about you and its comforting just holding your hand. I guess that's why twitter is so poplar it keeps people more in touch and less isolated. I solution is almost evil unless practiced for the right reason. So many of the early saints went out into the desert to remain closer to God. It was in that environment that they got in touch with their inner selves and found meaning to their lives and to the place of others to theirs. God frequently spaces with a roar in the silence of one’s life. Today's monasteries provide environments that allow some to remain in touch with the sacrament of God's love, Himself.

Chloe is off to the doctor for a post operative follow up. With all the back and forth about her thyroids being cancerous and her needing the operation, we are extremely happy they found no cancer. We are so lucky. Her overnight in the hospital didn't allow enough time for rest. Since my sleep hours were late she'll have to go without me. I can dress myself except for my special stockings and shoes. We were saying last night that it's hard to believe how the stockings have helped. I was on the way to a great deal of disfigurement and the potential of problems with blockages in the legs. Wow, God has been so good to me. Cross your fingers, I start with my new doctor on July 7th after Cox's retirement at the end of this month. I'm a little anxious.

MultiCare has just finished a renewal and the addition of a new building which now houses oncology. Everything is on the same floor and quite spacious and beautiful. Many, I'm sure love the privacy and isolation of the new digs. However, we dislike it big time for the very same reason. We initial through the first few years spent as much as 50 to 75% of our time there each day and many days each week. Because of the openness and flow of the facilities we got to know and meet so many. We almost looked forward to our visits and made many friends.

I'll end with relating one side effect that was never diagnosed or treated while in the emergency room and hospital. In fact as I recall it was pain similar to that which first crippled me five years ago. No doubt about it, on a scale of 1 to 10, it was a 10. Incredible pain. It was located at the bottom of my spine. I don't know what brought it on or what made it go away. While in the hospital taking me to and from cat scans it was just incredible. Thank God I no longer have it or expect it to be past history.

I can’t tell you how strongly I reply upon your support, thoughts and prayers. Thanks.