Getting Beyond My Death

Since my last visit with my new doctor, I find myself back where I was when I was told I had only six days. I think it's not a good place to be. I don't want to be dramatic, but it changes the entire tenor of your life when your death is around the corner. I do know what the death row prisoner is asked to go through. How many times will I be asked to hang it all up. I want so desperately to go beyond my transition and fall upon my faith and the new life I'll be called to share with all who have gone before me. I've spent a good amount of time on my failures and my hurts of so many others and I'd like to get focused on how much bigger they all are and perhaps the forgiveness they may already have for me. It's not easy to be laid bare. I just heard from a classmate that the cause of my friend Stan Rother has moved ahead. They have examined his life at great length and found it to be heroic. I could have told them the same. It's funny, Stan and I spent a lot of time together and had many, many intimate conversations together, but he is definitely a person in my life I do not have to ask for forgiveness. I guess his goodness transferred to me in some way. As he did not ask to be spared, I am reluctant to ask him for me. Rather, I pray for his courage, love and sense of justice. He loved his people and they loved him. My life has been full of Stan Rother's. I only wish I could have emulated them more closely.

Tomorrow, I see my doctor. I'm not sure what I will hear so I wanted to get something in writing. I pray for the grace to get beyond transition and into the hands of Mary and Jesus where I can then approach the Father. The Holy Spirit has stayed behind as a strength for the final journey, Forgive me for this very personal entry.