Getting Beyond My Death

Since my last visit with my new doctor, I find myself back where I was when I was told I had only six days. I think it's not a good place to be. I don't want to be dramatic, but it changes the entire tenor of your life when your death is around the corner. I do know what the death row prisoner is asked to go through. How many times will I be asked to hang it all up. I want so desperately to go beyond my transition and fall upon my faith and the new life I'll be called to share with all who have gone before me. I've spent a good amount of time on my failures and my hurts of so many others and I'd like to get focused on how much bigger they all are and perhaps the forgiveness they may already have for me. It's not easy to be laid bare. I just heard from a classmate that the cause of my friend Stan Rother has moved ahead. They have examined his life at great length and found it to be heroic. I could have told them the same. It's funny, Stan and I spent a lot of time together and had many, many intimate conversations together, but he is definitely a person in my life I do not have to ask for forgiveness. I guess his goodness transferred to me in some way. As he did not ask to be spared, I am reluctant to ask him for me. Rather, I pray for his courage, love and sense of justice. He loved his people and they loved him. My life has been full of Stan Rother's. I only wish I could have emulated them more closely.

Tomorrow, I see my doctor. I'm not sure what I will hear so I wanted to get something in writing. I pray for the grace to get beyond transition and into the hands of Mary and Jesus where I can then approach the Father. The Holy Spirit has stayed behind as a strength for the final journey, Forgive me for this very personal entry.

The Finality, No Frank it's Not Final

Yesterday was 0911, but that wasn't the end, but the beginning.

Last week I met with my new specialist for what I thought was to be further "good news." My faith tells me it was "good news". I've started my final journey and my cancer is no longer stable. That incurable cancer is sitting out there just waiting for its time.

Through these last years I was beginning to feel guilty by continuing to hang in there. Don't get me wrong, I'm 100% human and these end times scare the hell out of me, but sometimes so many good things happen that give you strength. Tonight I was lying here and my depression pill was yet to kick in when I went to my blog. I don't know why, but I went to the comment section and it was incredible. Do you have any idea what wonderful things you said to me? My God, if just some of them are true, maybe there is some hope for me.

My entire life has taught me and I have believed in the "Good News." Help me renew my faith, and never let it slip simply because the going might get rough.

Thank God for your continued friendship.

The Deck & The Green Grass

I don't know when our home looked so beautiful. For the last month, pretty much without fail, I've had the luxury of sitting outside and absorbing the rays. The weather has been delightful and it's brought new vitality to each moment. At times I've even feared a sunburn. Can you imagine a sunburn in Tacoma?

Who said I didn't have a retirement? These last days have been more than a retirement. Without the hassle of travel, the added expense of extra luggage and the charges for better seating, use of pillows and blankets my front and rear of the house have been heavenly. Sheila did countless flower pots while she was with us and they are truly beautiful and accent the beauty of nature. The rabbits and birds have been constant companions. The rabbits seem to be younger and filled with vitality. At first we thought them a threat to the flower pots, but the cones on the ground seemed to be sufficient enough for them. The birds came and went. All of a sudden they were everywhere. They returned to their old haunts and refurnished their nests around the house and on the house. I had my own seat for their cycle of bringing new life to our area. It's hard to put a number on the births. All came into this world without the aid of mid-wife or doctor. I wasn't aware of any c sections. The first days when they peeked over the edge of their nests were exciting. I even became accustomed to their language of hunger and the flight plans of parents each day to provide sustenance to their young. The last few weeks have again quieted down as the young "flew the coop". However, those weeks were really pleasant as I sat and meditated, read the newspapers and finished a few books. I even got in a sketch of the front yard which was fun. If I only had talent, painting would be incredible. I sat out for hours and Kris joined me one day for well over eight o'clock.

We've taken a few baby steps in moving towards Denver. Our neighbor sat with us one afternoon and shared loads of ideas and practical help. I was happy as can be because he reinforced many of the points I made. It's easy when another comes up with things because it feels like you're swimming against the tide when their yours. We have even given up some things. Some, but not much.

I don't know how many of you may have seen South Pacific on PBS but if you did I'm sure you felt the same as Kris and I, magnificent. The stars and cast were A number one Broadway. Being blessed with wide screen it was almost like front row center at Times Square. What a pleasure! You must watch channel 9 and its great programming. An education with every show. I hope you also tune into the cspan's to see for yourself what is happening in Washington by watching the congressional hearings on important legislation. Enough of that, I don't get a commission for my tv recommendations.

One of our neighbors is in need of your prayers. He is a young guy who just went through his second bone marrow transplant. His wife lost her father to Multi Myeloma. Like me he was only given a few days to live and that's what happened. The father, shortly after his diagnosis died. I must have been one of the first with the new medications. Tom is the father of a young baby . He is a lawyer with a very bright future. His wife needs those prayers so don't let her down. There is an auction for them today. The family has to rent a second residence in Seattle while Tom is treated for his cancer. Don't let him down.