Extend your arm. Please quietly without fuss or bother, extend your arm. Grant me the grace of not having to ask, but also the sensitivity of knowing when to withdraw it. Wow! I thought I'd never find the humility of asking. Help me, I've had multi myeloma phase II for almost five years and I've been in remission for two to three of those years. All, wheelchair and bedridden bound during that time frame. Forgive me, if I tell you I still don't know what means. I've been to the doctors up the gazoo. I've been hospitalized, operated on, had blood transfusions, bone infusions and lots of other things inclusive of workshops, retreats and counseling sessions one on one and with all configurations of my family. Worst of all from time to time, I've just been sick. Cancer, I'll work with, but sick!! I'm a coward. Extend your arm, save me from asking and be so sensitive to my needs that it almost makes you sick just trying to help. What is it, Frank? What is it you need? Just tell me your needs and I'll do my best to respond. I'm sorry, as difficult as it is for you to know what it is you can do for me, so too, is that difficulty to tell you my needs.
The last time I walked normally was the morning I conducted a class, cried with a colonel whose Iraqi' employee's were assassinated, asked my boss permission to leave early, drove home with no remembrance of it and was later found by family unconscious in the garage. I think that's what happened. Maybe not! I learned to walk again and then lost it again. I think there may be a consensus within the family that I can do better than I do. I can't face that. I'm too much of a coward to admit to that. I want to believe that I'm doing all I can and I'm probably too defensive to admit otherwise. "Age..ism". Please help. Kris deserves better than that. My family and friends deserve more than that along with all of those others with cancer who can't do better. Forgive me! Help me! Pray for me to do better. Save me from seeking sympathy and allowing your graciousness to turn into an undeserved, unwanted empathy that has littler no curative graces connected to it. That isn't even worthy of Laura's therapeutic help on my behalf.
"Age…ism". I never even alluded to it until today watching the Episcopal Cathedral service this morning on behalf of Dr. 66rr8y . It seemed like the entire world had come to pay her homage inclusive of the President and other dignitaries. I shed many tears and felt no remorse for doing so. She was 98 and had just completed her last book, uu4ujmr four months ago. Please go to the internet and once again be motivated to goodness by the life of another. Read of the saints in our midst and not of those who would do us harm by the example their lives lay out for us. Yesterday, a little baby weighing one ounce less than five pounds left the hospital back East to be taken home by the most thankful and loving parents who ever lived. Mary Elise originally weighed in at less than 2 pounds. When we celebrate her memorial 100+ years from now, I pray that she be not only recognized by the then President of the United States, but one of those honors perhaps might be, having been one of the greatest Presidents of the United States, Mary Elycie whose span of Presidency was one of peace and prosperity for all of the world. Not a hope, ousted the realm of possibilities. I've always wanted to write a book on the First Female Pontiff. Please, extend your arm, sense when to withdraw it, and help me to fully match the physical capabilities of my body with the clearness of mind that I presently maintain. I don't think I did that for my father, but wish I had.
Right before my body threw me a left hook with cancer, my son brought a request from a mutual friend that made my heart go pitter patter. He asked if I would do a portrait of him. Wow! I thought. I've sat on it for years now wanting so desperately to do it, but never doing it. Doc is getting married this summer. Recently, I picked up my pastels and with a little bit of encouragement and support from others I'll have it ready for Mike to take back to Baltimore with him. Perhaps, if we're lucky, he'll be able to get it into an overhead without an extra charge. Cancer, yes, but not age…ism. My cataracts have been removed from both eyes and the other more extremee eye problem has yet to attack fully armed, and so while I still can, let's get on with it and perhaps he'll love it to death. Thanks again, for hearing me out. Love you all.
4 comments:
Hello, Frank!!
You continue to inspire us with stories from your life!! Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings: like many, I feel humbled by the depths of your experiences! I applaud you for your commitment to life and healing!!
I have a brother who was diagnosed with an incurable brain tumor -GBM: Glioblastoma Multiforme. Almost three years ago, "they" said 9-14 mos; two years ago, only three weeks!! Today he's completely bedridden and uncertain why God has spared him.
Like you, he has surpassed his life expectancy of weeks and months, several times over. His family pays a huge price as primary caregivers: Hospice helped until he no longer met their criteria - and that is good!! Bedridden and suffering creates feelings of helplessness and hopelessness; unmet needs and desires are a different type of pain and suffering - sometimes hell on earth!
Like you, Chris (my brother) has a strong faith and prays to understand God's plan for his life. He is less attached to computers, blogs, sharing videos and reaching outside of himself and that is sad; he is frequently alone and isolated.
Thank goodness for the Mariners and daily Mass on EWTN; both offer him hope in different ways.
Your musings go beyond the words... your experience brings heaven to earth... you remind us of the costs of aging and illness... you also remind me/us of creativity, hope, life, resiliency, and, of course love and family!!!
That you know and share your life with your children and grandchildren is Priceless!! I haven't checked out your videos, but I'm planning on it.
It's a difficult road you and Kris are on but I applaud your commitment to travel it together!! You inspire us mere mortals, Frank. I'm sorry for your pain and suffering but Thank you for sharing some of it!! You've put words to paper that help me to better understand my brother's experience.
God touching our lives in ways that would never be possible if left to human hands!! smm
.....and the portrait? It's a masterpiece!!! What an honor to be at the receiving end of that gift!!! smm
Sue M:
I'm indebted. Don't know the words that could possibly communicate a stronger thank you than thank you. Today, was a horror morning. I was in encased in negativity. When I awake I call Kris on her phone. I hope she'll answer with that voice that is only expecting "good news and perky enough to expect the same from me." It was there again this morning although my response left too much to be desired.
I've written to Evening Magazine about the American Lake Vet program. I even offered the services of an insider. However there has been no response.
Frontline did a special which is available on their web page, on a unit in Colorado they have tracked. It is a mUST SEE for anyone associated vets. Go to Frontline Web page and you can watch it at your discretion, As I said, must see.
Tonight, I had a hamburgher that I would never thought I could eat. God is good and life is worth living. Don't ever go to the base without first focusing your efforts through the Holy Spirit. You'll never know those you have helped the most.
Again, thank you. Your efforts have effected me at a tine when I honestly needed that help. Thanks
Hello, again, Frank,
I heard about the Frontline program about Fort Carson a day after it was shown. I haven't taken the time to watch it online yet, but it's bookmarked for future viewing.
Working with Soldiers and Veterans has always been important to me, a calling, I like to think. I promise you, I learn something new every day. Their stories of courage, commitment, survival and strength are humbling!! Their willingness to share such personal parts of their lives is amazing and allows me to do honorable work.
I'd like to refer you to a site that was highlighted in a recent NPR's All Things Considered story: It's about a play called "Into the Fire;" check out the links at www.hadtobe.com.
Two actors have parlayed ten voices of real Veterans and their families and produced a one hour play and subsequent discussion that is as different as each live audience.
I've had the opportunity to see the play live,at least four times. Each time, it impacts me differently - reminding me of the obvious and things I routinely forget in the course of daily life.
Please check out the live clip at and/or hear the story (w/o the faces of the actors) from the NPR website.
Have you been able to visit the American Lake VA Golf Course in person? They have amazing resources and a brand new club house and a carved eagle outside the building. If you decide to tour the facility, there are a number of Volunteer Vets who will go out of their way to share the delights of the facility. On Sep 11, 2008, I was part of a comprehensive tour led by a couple of Wounded Warriors. They took us out on the greens and demonstrated the handicap accesible carts. It was a fun and delightful tour that everyone would benefit from.
If you decide to come out to the Lake, I'd feel honored if you'd let me know so I could meet you in person. My office is in a trailer, far removed from "civilization" and not very accessible, but I am close to the golf course and would love to arrange a tour.
Like you, or maybe not as much as you, I appreciate Kris's commitment and love for her family. While at Lakes, she blessed my kids as their teacher and they are better adults for her skills.
Please feel free to call or email me at your convenience. I look forward to your postings and insight.
God continues to work in you and through you.
As always, Sue M. 253-988-9376 or suzanne.maloney@us.army.mil
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