Stop, Don’t Move, Don’t read another line until you go back to ground zero. This blog cannot be understood until you recall the date written and you get inside my head for that day. There are few, if any, edits. I wanted to write it as I saw the world that day through my eyes, drugged or not drugged. If I saw the world blue, I wanted to catch a blue world. If my head were full of opium and I neither felt no pain nor the reality in which I lived. I don’t know how many times you’ve heard me scream out from the depths of my soul, My God, who am I. At times I felt a tremendous understanding of those around me no longer tuned in with reason. As I was, so were they in another world. For at least a year plus into this past, you and others have heard me falter as I attempted to speak of a third world which I have been forced to inhabit. The world brought about by my drugs, of dreams and nightmares. Most of you who are close to me live in the world of your realities are validated by yourself, relatives and friends. I have at least two. One I have a great deal of questions about, Who am I?, and the other which is as real as the first. It occurs in my sleep, I can’t tell you when in that sleep, but as I awaken I capture some of it, always saying thank God for getting me off the hook. Now, that world also inhabits my naps, so I live new episodes which have no relationship to any others. Please, as uncomfortable as it may be, listen to us. Give us some one to share our discomfort. What if it’s from my pain medications, with little doubt, do I cut myself back. At first that would seem to be a brave jesture, but false. I buy in 100% to the medical belief today that pain for pains sake is close to idiotic. Controlling pain contributes to healing. It gives the body an opportunity to stop, allow the irritant calm down and the body do its own thing.
Where am I ad where am I going? I’m asking my family, friends and readers to go back to ’06 or ’04 and realize that’s my world of that day. That’s what I saw, felt or hurt at that time through my eyes at that moment for better or worse. My writing at that moment, correct or incorrect was the world as I attempted to reflect it to others. Please, be patient with me. Within, the next few days, my appointments with my specialist may or may not turn my world completely upside down. Today, the Saturday before those meetings my mind is polarized and its impossible for me to grasp what may or may not come down the pike. Although, others will be as they have been through all these years been deeply affected so will they now. God gave me a few years that at first seemed out of the question, and now here we go again.
As I tried to point out as I started, as you read, remember today is Saturday, and there is so much I will not be privy to until Wednesday. It’s important for me to ask Tara to publish this on Sunday so that you might share a bit of the anxiety I now face and that you yourselves share. Everyday, I learn more about the suffering of others, but it is so intertwined with the glory of who they are and how they live and share their lives with others.
If Wed is a day of beauty and glory, it will be because of you and don’t you believe anything other than that. One of my heroes was a scientist priest of the 1920’s and ‘30s who married science and Faith and provided us with a vision of our last days only matched by the beautiful picture of St. John’s gospel. The gospels all tell us there is work to be done and asked of us that we do it in union with the beauty and wonder of those gospels. I hope I have ot confused you, but if I have it has only been because I am confused. I must rely upon my Faith. Anything more or less is a batter of poppy-cock and is senseless.
God, please bless us all and allow us to be about our Father’s business as you have defined our roles within that mission.
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