Apprehension

I guess I had already seen how quickly those series of little numbers on my blood draws could quickly turn things upside down. Although I still have a good handle on death, I don’t exactly enjoy all the steps in the process. However, once again – nothing but good news. Doctor was in a great mood and it was contagious – “took a long time for you to get that sick – its going to take a long time to get you back.” Most optimism I have ever heard. He was amazed about my Denver trip. I’ll tell that wonderful story next blog.

Please, please – if you had been to the open door of death and were now working on again living a new but extremely limited new life – what would be your top 2 priorities? I need your help. It’s not an empty request. This blog has been magnificent in what it has done for me, but it lacks dialog. Some don’t write because they want to write profoundly – bullshit – I don’t want your profundity – I want you. I wouldn’t understand profundity.
Don’t tell me you have nothing to write – that simply means you’re not doing your job – your job is seeing new people every day – the easy ones – the hard ones, but each unique in who they are – I desperately want to hear about them.

Remember – we were the ones who had the first facts about the VA. About the medical holds – about those ready to jump out of their chairs when someone went by (that’s why I redid my office – so they could control the corridor – even though I liked the office the other way. Can you imagine making a change for the client instead of for me – try going to one of the other areas on base and see how you are treated.

I also want to hear about you – your families – your vacations – still look forward to seeing Peter’s African trip – the detail about Arizona – Pat Ryan has been great in filling me in on where he’s at, and I enjoy each item and can recall them all. I pray for your children and recall what you have shared with me. I was so profoundly moved on one occasion with tears that flowed from the hurt of a grown child, frustration and love – this is heavy weight stuff and should be handled with total respect and honesty and discernment. Never gossip – never to be shared with another but handled in complete confidentiality – I write of heavy stuff to make a point or two but I’m really interested in the simple things – the flow of the future – never – never internal politics, gripes, etc.

I’d like to be part of the team – I’d like to know what to pray for - I’d especially like to know about failure and success – Bill was wonderful for me – I made him listen to me about every client - success and failure I was having – I needed his reinforcement – I needed to say it and get it out of me – to put it on the table – to make it better – to get another’s perspective - this was true about almost every workshop and class – how can the next one be different, and how can I make them better. Sometimes the answers are right there in your face - often they require humility, which I lack to the detriment of my clients.

YOU ARE A TREASURE HOUSE INVOLVED IN THE MOST PROFOUND WORK AVAILABLE TO ANOTHER HUMAN BEING AND THEIR FAMILIES.

Let me end with one story from my recent Denver trip. As you may know, my brother Charlie died in WWII, in the Japanese campaign. A chaplain wrote from his foxhole in the Philippines three months after my bother died - he was killed with shrapnel from incoming while on guard duty – as the chaplain said – not very heroic, but he wanted to tell us about what we already knew – the hero Charlie in life and how he was loved and respected by the chaplain and every one of the men in his unit – especially the leaders -because of his maturity, respect and love for them and they for him.

You may also know about my other brother Billy, who spent two and a half years in Stalag 24 where he begged us for correspondence and talked about being in hell. Again, when he got home saying he was no hero – he said he was in his foxhole and over the top a very big German pointed a very big rifle with the longest bayonet that had ever seen – he said his hands went up so fast his pants must have fell to the ground. We last met when he died as a young man, and I said his funeral Mass as a young priest. He was in his early 40’s.

I’ve also told you about Ray who as a Master Sergeant in Korea - was part of the very first Mash units which were not always booze and laughs. Somehow he also managed to get himself behind enemy lines where he was awarded a Purple Heart. It was at Fitzsimons Army Hospital in Denver that I last saw Ray - I was a freshly ordained Catholic Priest. It was not my visit that I now recount for you but that of his – at the time - 14 year old daughter. What she communicated to me and I experienced in her was the profound work you do. We touch not only clients – we touch families.

She came over with her husband on the Friday night of my recent visit to Colorado. We met at the door, and she was relieved. She said that she was sick at least three times on the way over and wanted to go back home. She said because of Fitzsimons, she didn’t know if she had the courage, physical or emotional strength to see me or deal with the visit. But we sat and had a wonderful visit. I love the gal. She has her own practice which she has owned for the last 24 years as a medical masseuse. She has two grown daughters and grandchildren. All of whom she adores. One daughter is an ordained liberal Methodist minister and the other is a fantastic soccer player. She played as a professional – and yes you doubters there is a professional woman’s soccer league. She teaches PE and coaches the school soccer team – her husband teaches 3rd grade. Now, back to the hospital visit and the importance of what you do.

What came next was a recall of her visit with me one night here in WA which was so upbeat – we carried on well into 4am and laughed and laughed and laughed. We were hooked on each other for life. She is now 53 with as many experiences of life as any of us have had. However, she said we were just not close enough to yet relate her Fitzsimons story but she was now ready. I attempt to briefly relate it here because I think it so important to you professionally, but already know I’m doomed to failure because it is not something to write about but to experience. She wonders how anyone can understand the emotional trauma of a 14 year old daughter visiting her 37 year old father who now weighed 76 pounds and yet made the best of it.

Her dad, my brother Ray, and her mom had been married for four years before their divorce. She loved him and had already lost him at 4 years old and now ten years later she was to lose him again. This had become even more complicated for her because both parents had remarried and there were other siblings whom she also now loved. She kept asking me the question which needed no answer – how can anyone understand these numbers and the trauma related to them - 14 –37 – 76. There is no answer. Do you remember 4 or14? Can you remember 37 and can you visualize leaving all behind? How about 76? I thought I was on the thin side at 125 lbs, coming down so fast from 190 lbs. She was still locked in that visit with her father at 76 pounds and would be there for the rest of her life and that is both good and bad. Bad in how much it hurt, but good in what she continuously does with that hurt. I hope that if she reads this she realizes how sacred it was to me, and I hope she will find in the retelling that I have respected that sacredness. Ray was not as heroic on the battlefield as he was in embracing his death. I think that left some hope for those he touched. I will never be the same after that story.

If Ray were your client, what might you have said or done that would have helped that visit in Fitzsimons for a 14 year old? Charlie went to the grave alone and is still there in the Philippines alone - I have his cross number – would that be something that you would do if you were me – visit that cross and say a prayer on sight?

I think this is my longest blog and although I empathize with you if you have read it, I also feel less bad (good English) because it began at 3am, and I thought it might be a useful use of this painful and lonely time of the morning. For the first time since I’ve been sick, Kris is not sleeping in the same room with me not getting her sleep. Mike has moved in while taking over the baby sitting duties. She is in Denver having a ball with her daughter and grand kids. Tim, Debi and Monty made the trip with her and all will be back Wed (May 10th). Mike almost got killed late last night when he told her and she bought into it that we were all at the local betting establishment – I was watching the poker table, and he was making me control my drinks – when she got me and I said I was getting tired, she was up to 2,000 – Mike was already a dead man – I said I was getting tired and thought I should be getting home and put Jessie on and when Mike said HE WAS ONLY FOOLING – it was too late – although he is doing wonders at the volunteer fire fighter academy, he’ll have to finish his last few months without a rear end.

I just told you that I want you to communicate with me, but it may be confusing as to how to accomplish that. You can leave a comment on the latest post, I attempt to check them all the time. You can click the link to the guest book and post a private or public message. If you leave an email address in the guest book, no one else can see it. Or, if you have my email address, you can communicate that way. I am hesitant to post my email on the blog as I will be overrun with spam. I will make an effort to respond to you
in a timely manner. Even though I yet responded, I read them all and love to hear from you.

God bless you all