Thanksgiving

Today will mark the end of my passivity. I’ve allowed myself to become passive and accepting of today and tomorrow. I’m going to give myself a different shot each day. I’m going to plan each day and those plans are going to be pro active. I’m going to rebuild this old body and attempt to remodel it into what it was meant to be. A fitting temple of the Holy Spirit. That is old catechism language, but I think language that befits my goals of today.

It’s a shame the way we treat Thanksgiving. I should really speak for myself, the way I treat Thanksgiving. Although, we share the feast with Canada, I like to think of it as particularly ours. It’s a feast made and fashioned for the needs of today. It was not founded in abundance, but rather in the poverty and hardships of the time. It seems sad if so many of us have been battered in ways we never thought possible. A security born from dedication and had work failed in delivering its promises. There are so many of us still unable to determine what hit us.

I’ll have to leave this blog to you individual experiences or I’ll be writing for days on end. I’m surrounded with reasons to be truly thankful. I’ll mention just a very few. My health care professionals have been incredibly helpful in my life. As our nation fights to fix a broken system, individuals within that system fight like super stars to bring a touch of love to all they serve. I’m thankful. My family and friends have never let me down. They have created a touchstone of comfort and warmth in which I am able to heal and grow.

Kris is a superstar. She awakes and goes to sleep each day spent. There is little left for herself after emptying every bit of goodness out for others. She is a model of wife, mother, child, spiritual being and just plain old fashioned goodness. It’s so good to see her recognized by all as one they would love to have as wife, mother, friend and companion. Her marvels are many and her goodness sublime.

Finally, I’m thankful for today and this moment as I remember and recall a life filled with gifts. I’m regretful, but find it less productive than love. I’m going to try and make this a love filled day for those around me. I’m going to try and make a difference by being different.

Hang in there.

Post Celebration

Those days come and go so fast. That moment of celebration with a modicum of success since cancer first into my life. I wanted a day to thank all who had made that day possible. It was a great day and all played a part in making it happen. Boy, so much to be thankful for and even more once it had come and gone.

No sooner had I made a firm resolution to become less of a burden than I fell flat on my face. It's been overwhelming to recall all that others have done for me. I couldn't begin to think of expecting them to hang on with me through another few years. I wanted to release them from the terrible burden giving so much of their lives to me. How could I continue you to allow them always to put me so high on their calendar of events. As I said above, no sooner had I made a resolution of less dependence than I found myself at Allenmore Hospital here in Tacoma. Several trips to the emergency room and one very intense visit to my specialist and tests galore, out comes the Gall Bladder. It was double in size and had infected a great deal of other parts of the intestine and stomach. However, it's all over, started on Monday and today is friday. I was home the first day and could have been out and about by Wednesday. Everything is under control and all is well.

Now, what do I do? How do I go about being less of a burden on others. I really don't know, but I honestly want to give it a try and become more of a giver than a taker. In all humility, I'll continue to say thank you, but more an more try to change my ways.

Most Beautiful Day

Most Beautiful Day

Only I can appreciate most fully all of the things done on my behalf over these last four years. I think everyone finally got what I wanted so desperately to communicate. Thank you for giving me four more years to enjoy you and my grand-children. We now had concrete proof that the doctors, medications, love, prayers and sacrifices of all had somehow worked. They impacted our everyday life in a way that brought us to our knees and we were witnesses of the work of the Holy Spirit. I don’t care of what religious or non-religious persuasion you may be. I don’t care that you are or are not having difficulties with your faith, but we together witnessed something very unique that busted our bubble as to having all the answers involved in life itself. Last night, I went to a lecture at Pacific Lutheran University given by Dom John Crossan. He is the fore-most recognized Jesus scholar in the world today. He has turned history about Jesus upside down. One of the items he touched upon, were the miracles. He spoke of the miracles with incredible simplicity. All were witnesses of unexplainable goodness. His best friend was so dead he smelled to high heaven and yet he still returned to life. I would not dare speak of miracle in my case. All I wished to do was to stop in a moment of time and re-invite my family and friends to revisit as witness what was now happening in my life. Four years ago we shared the news that I would be dead within a week and today the tests and all else seem to indicate my cancer is in remission.

Prior to my day of celebration I met with my two key experts, Drs. Vanbuskirk, and Cox. I saw Cox at 9 am. After a battle with my Gall Bladder from 2 am. I’ve never experienced more intense pain. At 7am, I refused to return to the emergency room, which would have been my third visit. All, rather traumatic for me. Again, at 7am I agreed to my patches being changed which were of no help in relieving my pain. I took 5 Oxycodins which gave me relief, but by that time I was an emotional wreck. Dr. Cox saw me immediately and spent most of the morning with me. He sent me for another scan, talked about a Gastroenterologist, and wanted me to have another test called a Haida, that exam fell through the cracks when it required me to remove my opium patches for in excess of eight plus hours. Dr. Cox thought that to be totally unacceptable. This afternoon I called Dr. Hofstroph’s office to move the process forward.

I’m sorry for the side-tracks which I blame on my medications. Tara and her family were in town, Jessie was not there four years ago, but she is no less a contributor to my physical turn around. Her healing gifts are priceless and like all the others, it is impossible to be in their presence without having your morale rise sky-high. Tim and Debi provided the wine for toasting. Jim dug deep down and came up with a great recipe that was devoured and actually spoke up and said special occasion. As I did, four years ago, I asked all to listen, so as best I could tell them how much I loved them and how thankful I was to have them love me so deeply. How, is it possible for one person to be so gifted. I feel so selfish in having so much love while so many others are so starved by the lack of love in their lives. Some are so starved that their illness just destroys them, when they could so easily be turned around by a kind gesture or a spoonful of food given by a loving hand. I’ve got to stop here before I get lost again. I’m writing this to extend myself out of that room to the so may others who so unselfishly loved me in their thoughts, prayers and good works. Pray that I don’t spoil the gifts given and not desperately try to find ways to pay back the remainder of my days. I just talked with one of my doctors and she’s sending me to a surgeon. It looks like the gall bladder is coming out.

With all my love.
Frank Kabisch

Celebration

They Told You, you were dead and so was the evidence.
You are at this moment alive, and so the evidence validates.
Let’s have a Celebration and we’ll all take stock in another day.

Yes, as promised I started to write this after my visits with Drs. Vanbuskirk and consultation with Dr. Hastroph. I did write and unlike any blog I have written in four years I ripped it into shreds, Cox. You’ll never know what I wrote nor will I probably never remember. Oh by the way, I have now had an additional elaborate test for gall bladder (my second) and a third one called a Hilda scheduled for another few weeks. With Hilda, Dr. Cox cautiously enters the field of nuclear medicine keeping his care of me always on the cutting edge. Every one, I have mentioned this test to, have never heard of it.

I will now try again on Mike’s computer, mine crashed. The appointments should have been filmed. Each assigned a special role and insight into one of the most dramatic tough encounters played out. I’ll be all over the place trying to communicate my experience so as usual, please bear with me, as Dr. Cox said, what we are discussing is profound with heavyweight consequences. Not to be taken lightly. A couple of things, co-in-sided with my appointment with Dr. Cox. They were out of the script writing department of Hollywood itself. In one of my past blogs, you’ll find an entry with regards my emergency room visit for a gallstone attack. Well, at 2 am I had the severest pain I have ever experienced in the right section of my entire chest area and around to my back. For my own reasons, I struggled with the pain and personal screams until early morning. After several years of sleeping on the floor at the foot of my bed, we convinced Kris to go to another room where she keeps a speaker system that you monitor a baby with. I have remained in my hospital bed for the over-all good of the activities that have been going on within our home these last few years. We have been extremely blessed with a home that can accommodate all the visitors we have had through the years.

At this moment my in laws, Tim and Karen are repaining our garage after painting our children’s recreation area. My sister in law was here for over a month this summer alone during which time she brought back our deck like new and re worked and guided out landscape people to give us a home that continues to bring me great comfort. I hope that all who have visited and stayed with us have experience some of the welcome afforded by a Benedictine or Franciscan in the name of Jesus. It’s the kind of hospitality that brings more comfort to the giver than the receiver. I ramble, ramble, ramble, but at this moment I ask not for forgiveness. Let me get you lost again in my ramblings. I thank you from the bottom of my heart in allowing me to have someone to share my life with. Without you, my reader, I would be a little less of a person, alone in my own wanderings. Please God, allow me some comfort in talking (writing) with my friends. In an incredibly selfish way, allow me to take immense satisfaction in those who for one moment or one seconded responded to my writings. Pat has never ceased to bring me the comfort that can only come from another who not only listens but also provided feedback of hat listening. At this moment it is so critical to my personal well being. Any kind of isolation that is not chosen for oneself is the greatest hell on earth. This blog provided to me early on by Jason and Bill Bettyas has been an intro-venous valve bringing life giving health to the isolation of my hospital bed. Thank you.

Kris and my brother in law begged me to call an ambulance and go to the hospital. Kris had been there with me before and she was in tremendous fear. I wanted to hold out to reach Dr. Cox. It was a decision that Dr. Cox pretty much equated to being absolutely stupid. I’m sure he felt it had no merit and probably felt it to be counter- productive to a cure. Although he vocalized that we were playing with an awfully big pot, my life. By the time I arrived at the office and the nurse took my vitals prior to my lab work, I was a complete basket case in both body and soul. I was devastated by my lack of emotional control and my breakdown. My heroes don’t allow that to happen. I don’t consider that strange given the short history of pain which required the changing of my body patches and taking 5 Oxycodins. The physical pain was under control, but the emotions were a shambles. Dr. Cox dropped everything and elongated my meeting until after 11 am when I went to the lab for a long series of blood draws. We spent a great deal of time discussing my depression and at one point almost forgetting the gall bladder. I went to the office with my fresh new MRI and Dexa wanting to declare the death-knoll of my enemy cancer against the good judgment of both Dr. Cox and Kris. I wanted a celebration for this moment of time declaring the cancer dead and triumph over it.

By Our, I meant my entire medical team and care givers along with all my friends and the parishioners of St. Leo’s who remember me at every single Mass and bulletin for the last four years. I wanted to thank my Pastor who promised St. Leo’s to be there for Kris, my family and friends to find comfort in each other . We, in addition to the unbelievable approval of the latest anti cancer pill by the FAA merely months prior to my collapse. At that time the evidence was 100% against me. My collapse in the street by my office at Ft. Lewis and my fight to get up and instruct my classes for that morning, became the first sign of being bed ridden for the next few years. The evidence was concrete in my bone marrow test, my MRI and Dr. Cox and his staff’s diagnosis. It was dramatic and imparted to me with a sledge hammer right between the eyes as Dr. Cox with no room for error told me man to man that I would be dead within the week. I took this announcement like a man. Dr. Cox is my man and the most important professional and friend in my life, both then and always. I called all my family together and discussed the finality of my no cure Multi Myeloma Phases II and under the guidance of Dr. Vanbuskirk, my Palliative Care Doctor, I began to cover all the detail one needs to cover in preparation for ceasing to live. Well, with all of the above lurking within my mind, I wanted a cease fire. I wanted a celebration of this one moment in time, when all the evidence pointed to remission (although first declared in ’07) and with my doctors concurring I wanted a celebration and I think that’s what I got the ok for.

Out of the meeting on Monday and Tuesday, came a hard fought blessing on my celebration. After both doctors beat me to a pulp to understand that my cancer, my myelomia will never really go away, it is incurable. It will always be lurking there as every blood cell withdrawl' s performed and that there is no question – Myeloma is incurable. However, we also fought through so many other cancers, Iukemias, HIV’s, polios that although so deathly have become illnesses that people live a normal life with and with the strength of so many other spirits and systems within their bodies live almost completely normal, extended and good lives. So many die not of their primary attacker, but at times from other places that many other health and normal lives, live through. On Tuesday, I had my blood tests withdrawn and I believe they again say I’m in remission. On Wednesday with a prescription for a gallstone screening I went to the lab for that screening and the prelims show gallstones. However, Dr. Cox has prescribed a further more powerful exam called a HIDA which is evidentally from the internet literature the big daddy of all the scans. It is not taken lightly because of the nuclear aspect of it. It will scan the little intestine, the bile flow, the gall bladder and a few other things I can’t recall presently. Could it possibly rain on my parade, honestly – that has just entered my minde as I’ve given thought to this. Thank God for my photography classes and other things that keep me more fruitfully involved. Where, am I, in the need of prayer as yesterday, so today. Kris believes this test to be sort of independent of everything else. I’ll keep you posted. I’m going to have lunch and go outside for a snooze, to read, to look at our newly painted garage door, and above all else to remember and pray for you. I'll leave you along at this point, because I can write future books about the role of my priesthood with Jesus, my marriage with Kris and everything both entail in my life. I said books, but mean volumes and perhaps a library.

The Holy Spirit will finish the work yet to be done as HE HAS ALREADY WRITTEN IN EACH OF OUR Hearts THE WORK ALREADY DONE. God bless us all.

Appointments This Week

Stop, Don’t Move, Don’t read another line until you go back to ground zero. This blog cannot be understood until you recall the date written and you get inside my head for that day. There are few, if any, edits. I wanted to write it as I saw the world that day through my eyes, drugged or not drugged. If I saw the world blue, I wanted to catch a blue world. If my head were full of opium and I neither felt no pain nor the reality in which I lived. I don’t know how many times you’ve heard me scream out from the depths of my soul, My God, who am I. At times I felt a tremendous understanding of those around me no longer tuned in with reason. As I was, so were they in another world. For at least a year plus into this past, you and others have heard me falter as I attempted to speak of a third world which I have been forced to inhabit. The world brought about by my drugs, of dreams and nightmares. Most of you who are close to me live in the world of your realities are validated by yourself, relatives and friends. I have at least two. One I have a great deal of questions about, Who am I?, and the other which is as real as the first. It occurs in my sleep, I can’t tell you when in that sleep, but as I awaken I capture some of it, always saying thank God for getting me off the hook. Now, that world also inhabits my naps, so I live new episodes which have no relationship to any others. Please, as uncomfortable as it may be, listen to us. Give us some one to share our discomfort. What if it’s from my pain medications, with little doubt, do I cut myself back. At first that would seem to be a brave jesture, but false. I buy in 100% to the medical belief today that pain for pains sake is close to idiotic. Controlling pain contributes to healing. It gives the body an opportunity to stop, allow the irritant calm down and the body do its own thing.

Where am I ad where am I going? I’m asking my family, friends and readers to go back to ’06 or ’04 and realize that’s my world of that day. That’s what I saw, felt or hurt at that time through my eyes at that moment for better or worse. My writing at that moment, correct or incorrect was the world as I attempted to reflect it to others. Please, be patient with me. Within, the next few days, my appointments with my specialist may or may not turn my world completely upside down. Today, the Saturday before those meetings my mind is polarized and its impossible for me to grasp what may or may not come down the pike. Although, others will be as they have been through all these years been deeply affected so will they now. God gave me a few years that at first seemed out of the question, and now here we go again.

As I tried to point out as I started, as you read, remember today is Saturday, and there is so much I will not be privy to until Wednesday. It’s important for me to ask Tara to publish this on Sunday so that you might share a bit of the anxiety I now face and that you yourselves share. Everyday, I learn more about the suffering of others, but it is so intertwined with the glory of who they are and how they live and share their lives with others.

If Wed is a day of beauty and glory, it will be because of you and don’t you believe anything other than that. One of my heroes was a scientist priest of the 1920’s and ‘30s who married science and Faith and provided us with a vision of our last days only matched by the beautiful picture of St. John’s gospel. The gospels all tell us there is work to be done and asked of us that we do it in union with the beauty and wonder of those gospels. I hope I have ot confused you, but if I have it has only been because I am confused. I must rely upon my Faith. Anything more or less is a batter of poppy-cock and is senseless.

God, please bless us all and allow us to be about our Father’s business as you have defined our roles within that mission.