Failure – So Much For Keeping Up

You’d think I’d died with the length of time between blogs. Guess what? I didn’t. At least it doesn’t seem like I did. Moment maybe!

What has happened since last we spoke? I really don’t know since I don’t have the last entry before my nose. Was it Dexter Rawling’s birth, if not I will later point to Tara’s blog. If you go there, you’ll find it filled with so many wonders of real life, so do that. Perhaps it was one of my emergency room visits, if you missed them you really did miss something. I used to say, and still do, if you want to raise money, invite those to have it to spend 24 hours there. I covered all the hours during those 24 hours. What a rat hole. Similar to the old movies of insane asylums. Any similarity to executive offices is non existent. If you ain’t ill – you will be. You’ve got to be non human to be untouched. An emergency room can be defined as all the Tarantino movies wrapped into a 45 moment trailer.

Perhaps you missed the fact that although my cancer got the crap knocked out of me, as it has moved to that innocuous category of being contained, stable, then everything is now right with the world. I raise it not as a secretive trap to regain sympathy if I had ever sought it to start with. Please, God forbid. But maybe, just to suggest to and for others, that being bed ridden, lonely, no longer able to fend for oneself or the million and other pains in the ass are just that. Recently I had some gut pains, not unlike many others that brought me to my knees despite my back pain patches that operate 24/7 and are opium (again, remember the movies!) My personal Richter scale was buzzing at a record breaker 9. My doctors are so proud; I never understood that simple scan that went from one to ten. It’s simple as say at 9 you have no protection from the tears rolling down the cheeks. Where the heck am I going with this? Oh yeah, now I remember, I don’t frequently remember. Please, I beg a favor. Don’t ever again in your lifetime laugh at one who tries, but can’t remember. Ost especially when they themselves suggest its funny. THEY LIE AS A TOOL to hide their pain which may very well be higher than that blasted 9. Well, the gut pains simply (every time I get something now it seems to be simple – like almost being blind before the SIMPLE operation? of taking them both out. Oh, that’s nothing because they tell you there is something behind the right eye that might explosively become something they can’t do anything about. How will I know, well he says to me, YOU’LL KNOW. Anyone out there able to help – what does that mean? However, on second thought don’t tell me, I wouldn’t be big and strong. Then, it’s the to be expected, because its caused by the medication – the neuropathy among other things. I usually can’t remember it, now I just can’t spell it. It’s more fun than anything – it works on the hands. Legs and feet. You could probably remember it better if you put it to song. It ums the extremities, it hurts like hell at times, it tingles like now, it makes you go lighter on the keyboard so you more frequently go too light on the keys (you want a good laugh, look at my stuff without the a’s because my left little finger can no longer take the hit, it makes you think too much (it sometimes leads to depression), it makes you feel at times like someone is sticking you with pins and it hurts but you just can’t keep up with them to make them stop, but more than anything it scares you because you’ve been using those arms more than ever since the cancer. Oh, I would sure hate to lose their use or their strength. It makes you want to say you’re sorry to anyone who can’t make out what you’re trying to say because one of the things you do remember, was that there was a time when it was okay, you had it right and you didn’t have to apologize. I’m going to be mean, and instead of just deleting this (page filler) stuff myself, I’m going to be nasty and put it in the hands of my editor, Tara (Note from Tara: I am leaving the "filler"and content as is becuase it is what it is, honest, true.)

One of the real problems with cancer was that at first it wanted to demand your life, however, it has come to be that the longer you hang around the slower or more exacting the cost. It becomes the loss of contacts and maybe even friendships. You’ve gotta give credit where its due. The health delivery systems, through their clinics are beginning to recognize these problems. Let’s see if I can remember. They call them “the quality of life issues”. They’re like the old-age and dementia issues. “Hey”! Wait a minute; I’m really going overboard with this page filler stuff. Tim just asked me if I’d like to take a ride and I’m going to jump real quickly at that and send this off to Tara. Tara, what do you say – just because it’s been so long, do we want to blog this? (Note from Tara - Yes.) I’m going to send it to Tara without reading it again – go out with Tim and when I come back – read it and see what she says.

With no hesitation and with complete meaning – love you all. Let’s keep me as well as the blog alive in the sense of Quality of Life. I should have seen the Child’s movie about cooking and laughter instead of Division 9 and Besterds. I am getting old. Please God – body – maybe yes, but mind never.

A little bit of everything

Spent a good hour and a half with Dr. VanBuskirk a little over a month ago. The most encouraging meeting of my life. Kris sat at the kid’s place with Monty while Debi and Tim joined me for the visit. Near the end of an hour and a half+ visit I asked him for his evaluation of my progress. Without exaggeration and to the best of my ability I’ll try to quickly try to paraphrase his response...

Although I cannot speak for Dr. Cox it is no secret that he feels he has met the enemy head on and has already won that battle. The drugs did what he hoped he would have them do, and although with my cancer they can’t say cured I guess I’m like the alcoholic - he cannot see any reason for that to change. Who can ask for anything more?

Speaking for himself, Dr. Vanbuskirk said we have traveled miles down a very long road to complete health and he believes the progress to be substantial and again sees little or no barriers to that progress continuing to be better and better. He could not be more pleased by my attitude, my concrete willingness to take things on and improved with them. Even right now he is going to move my meetings with him from one to two or three months based on how quickly I have grasped onto things and continue to work within those structures. He could not be more pleased other than a complete cure here and now. Who can ask for anything more.

While in the office, one of the nurses left the lab to come over and tell me how wonderful the CORPUS article was and how it has helped her. I was so overwhelmed by the morning I came home and slept for several hours.

In other news...As for the pictures above, the first couple were taken from an April Munholland visit – me hanging out with the grandkids (Monty, Kellan and Zoe) and the other picture is my new look from barber Tim.

Jessie is finishing up on law school finals while Mike continues to help the community - check out the below link for his recent accomplishment: http://www.realchangenews.org/index.php/site/archives/2091/

Visit me on Facebook and Paxo.

2nd Installment of CORPUS REPORTS Article

My Cancer

Yes, it’s mine. Very unique to me! For me, I’ll never forget the dramatics of my diagnosis. We were in the specialist’s office (we = 7+) and he was tying to determine if he would accept me as a patient. Everyone was talking at the same time. Thinking back the doctor must have been thinking, “Do I really want this walking dead man”? I was standing and in severe pain for amongst everything else I had five broken vertebrae and a bone lesion on my hip. When he said yes and we shook hands, an unbelievable relief and calm took over my body and soul. Yes, cancer but no longer alone. The physical concerns which I had born alone were now to be shared with a competent professional I liked very much. My previous doctor struck out. I left with this relief even thou I was given only six days. I don’t know how others react nor can I advise them, but for me my faith was paramount. During this period I was “to die” no less than three times requiring I be brought back.

The death part quickly turned to the faith part. Once I came to grips with this I’ve sort of had the upper hand on death. I could not fear it as one who did not believe. Oh yes, no head under the blanket, but a calling of myself to terms that death was the only way. There was to be a next life through an agony in the garden. These were not theological, biblical nor philosophical matters but very real concrete concerns.

Don’t wait to be loved by others but aggressively learn to love all those brought into your life. Not what others can do for me, but what can I do for others. Don’t complain about your family, doctors, nurses and health care workers for their impersonal training, but be totally personal with them. They get sick, have ill parents, fight at home, have financial issues, and teenage children. They may be afraid to get close to you but have no fear in embracing them and their concerns. Consider it a mortal sin to think of them as working only for money. This thinking makes you sick inside. Rather, hope they will miss you and cry at your funeral because you have gone out of their life. Even if it requires acting a little stupid put a smile on their face.

My cancer thus far has been helped a great deal by getting a handle on the practical. My wife Kris was incredibly helpful as we struggled through all the insurance papers and requests for information. Without help with these matters there would be little time for dying while everything else consumed every living moment. Make absolutely sure you never rely upon barrack’s lawyers for advice. YOU MUST GO TO THE SOURCE AND THE HIGHEST LEVEL OF THAT SOURCE. Take this from one who was responsible for an outside contractor to process well over a million in claims each fiscal period.

Orientation to services and goods must be internalized. What are the needs of a body that has gone from 190 lbs to 115 require? I used to be 6”1’ and now find myself at 5”7’. Just a short time ago I took no pills and could hang in there and now have been mostly bedridden for three years. Going to the bathroom and taking a shower become central to your every day life. Yet there are many things that can help. My electric wheelchair is not a luxury it’s freedom.

Get control of your life. Set goals and objectives for yourself within your own restrictions. Make them creative, fun and exciting. Share what you have with everyone you can for as long as you can. Be strong about running your life and do not let others attempt to do it for you and your family. Will you hide your cancer from others or will you tell the world? I chose to tell the world. Not as a secret way of gaining sympathy but being a source of grace for others so through their prayers and concern for you they also may profitably share in the journey. Don’t wear them out or ever leave them depressed but rather uplifted and encouraged about their own world.
Discover gifts you didn’t know you had or simply never used.

Learn how to lighten the burden of your caregivers. They have a heavy burden and its you. How do you lift their burden? Prior to cancer “I” did it and now “they” must do it. Live in wonder meant of how do they do it? Learn to assess every call for help as to its worthiness or necessity weighed against those of the caregivers never did it. How can I now “expect” others to do it for me? Learn the difference between saying ‘thank you” and communicating “thank you”. The wrong one can hurt and be empty.

Use your pen or computer to write your journal. Don’t edit your work record your life. If you stop, pick up when you remember you have forgotten. Never – never ever pass another without recognition of their humanity. Set an example. LISTEN, LISTEN to the pain of the world and the people of the world and your own may become just a little less biting.

There is so much to learn from others. Allow your education to continue. Find out and continue to discover, who are you? Are you the same person if depressed? If you are full of medication, other’s blood, in the midst of chemo and need further adjustment of your medications, who are you?

Pray always.

CORPUS REPORTS INTERNATIONAL MARRIED PRIESTS - 1st Installment

Multiple Myeloma Phase II

What the hell is that? Come on doc tell me in English. I can take it. Well! “I’d give you six days to live.” Later he said he would have changed it to that evening. My bones were being eaten by the cancer and soon they would be like “paper”.

In my superficial readings of the last few years concerning church leadership, I became inspired by how well our Cardinals handled the last years of their lives. Especially their illness and in many cases their cancer. They embraced it as Christians in a very humanly way. They left us a legacy of having died as Christians. I was angry with them for so many things, but in this one area I gave them very high grades. Models worthy of imitation. Maybe, I could do the same? Quite a goal! What a relief, no tension as to liberal or conservative, just follow Jesus and die like a Christian following in His footsteps. All my life I’ve claimed the name Christian and now the opportunity to live like one in these last days of my life. Wow! God is so very good to me.

I think there has been only one time that we as a family cried together. It was within that six-day window I had been allowed. I asked my kids, Tara, Mike and Tim along with their spouses, Jim, Debi and Jessie along with Kris to gather around the dining room table. It was a spontaneous and sacred thing. My “kids” are in their 30’s. I just wanted to tell them with all my heart and soul that I loved them and would always be with them. It was a gift of a life time. This month their love will have sustained me into its fourth year with my cancer. So much so that my physical fitness program this afternoon called for harnessing me and lowering me into the swimming pool. I did well.

What a wonderful journey this has been. Although the temptation remains about changing the ending. It seems like the more I’m given, the more I’m tempted to ask for. If that were granted perhaps I couldn’t love as much or recognize God in so much. I don’t always have the courage to seek the transformation of faith, hope and charity into the experience of the same where “eye has not seen nor ear heard”.

At this point, amidst the horror of cancer there are some glimmers of hope. I have a few things, which bring a few smiles. We were heartbroken recently when my best friends, Bill and Sue learned that Sue had a very deadly breast cancer. They have been heroic in their support of me. Although her chemo is taking place in a different hospital. There she met a former nurse of mine. Anette had nothing but good things to say about Kris (and me). Although, it was I who had the cancer, it was her that was hurting more. Her husband was returning to Iraq and she would be left again with her kids to silently suffer her separation. She fed my body intravenously and we had a shot at caring for her by sincerely caring enough to listen. She has been one of so many. See my blog. We have also had positive feedback with regards to other programs we have participated in. We made them better and we all got so much more out of the programs. My physical fitness guy, Brian told us today that Dr. Cox has flooded him with cancer patients because of us. That will be good for all involved. For many months the Eucharist entered our home with Phil and Kitty. I fought for my electric wheelchair, which has allowed me great freedom from my bed. That program is now open to other patient’s along with other programs we have recommended. What a joy. The entire valet parking program has been revamped because of my going to the top and being a “rat fink” for the right reason, patient care. The sick are actually now assisted with no bull crap any more about fear of lawsuits. The valets all look better and seem to enjoy their jobs even more. Is it merely a job to help the sick and invalid? I think I’ve heard quite a few confessions during the journey. I don’t think you always need to be Catholic or know that’s what you are doing, do you? PLEASE don’t break my bubble and give me some gobble gook of a theological answer. I was in ecstasy the night my pastor lagged behind at my bedside as the others left. He knelt and asked me for my blessing. Wow! God is good and our priesthood a gift. We had been having a healthy knock down pick them up fight about the married priesthood. Dear God please don’t allow me to become or to sound like an egomaniac, but there are so many aspects of our Christianity still open to us and perhaps the greatest moments. His priesthood still affects others in love. Sue and I will be walking side by side. Pray for her.

I hope (and do) believe that Kris and I have never been as close. I laugh within myself when they speak of her as my caregiver. Well yes, caregiver on one level is an appropriate designation, but you got to be kidding. The love and care she has allowed to flow out of her translates into life, rich life for me. She has continued to unravel year after year the fullness of life, which is love, rich life for me. It’s not the gray hair that tells me so, but the unselfishness of every single thing she does for me. It’s not always fun to be bed ridden and dependent for almost everything that remains normal to others. However, there are those precious lighter moments, which make life bearable and holy. e.g. Nothing is funnier than the fights that take place in our kitchen each morning. Laura (my therapeutic cat) goes down to help Kris with my coffee. They each have their way of doing this. Laura likes to jump on the counter and assist while Kris gets the water bottle to see that she doesn’t. It ends with a stomach rub and cold coffee.

I know that my judgment by God will require a great deal of forgiveness for the evil I have allowed in my relationships of love and my failures. The Commandments will certainly have their day in court and it will not be the proudest review for me, but I have a great deal of faith and hope for how I will be treated. I will be judged within the fairest of all systems by the most compassionate of all who have ever walked this earth. I do not fear those aspects of my life that I have paid little attention to nor have yet had empathy for the hurt I have personally caused. I will not dwell here nor will I linger in areas that lack the graces that may soon be mine. (I started this at 3:14 and it is now 6:10).

I’m going to stop – the words are becoming shallow and without any substance – let me save you from me. I’ll return later.

CELEBRATION

20 YEARS OF SUPPORT

Several years ago the Seattle, Portland, Tacoma and Olympia married priests gathered together at my home to recognize our support of one another. Many of us had come from other cities but a good number were from the Seattle Archdiocese. Most were married. Both religious and secular. The priesthood was the commonality we shared along with our spouses. I would take it as a special inspiration that we started our day together with the Eucharist remembering those who had already died from our group. The Eucharist was unique in that it fulfilled a desire on our part to recognize the special link we maintain among us presently with the source of our priesthood Jesus Christ. A good number of us have already passed on to the life they spent teaching and motivating others to believe in. Since that day so many others have also left us. In most instances we again banded together in recognition of a life deserving of celebration. Tears were shed, prayers said, hugs exchanged, spouses and families supported and their lives reflected upon enabling us to continue in their footsteps, which had walked in so many uniquely different directions. Where was the priesthood of the second half of the 20^th century to be found? In the homes of our neighbors, the positions of support and service within our community. Their jobs were teachers, civil employees, artists and professionals whose commonality lay beneath the surface of their skin within the realms of their souls and spirits. As husbands and fathers, children and brothers in their own families. and as success and failures to those left behind. In all cases having been called by Jesus to change the face of the earth. In life we had touched and embraced each other as friends. Soon, I will once again share life with them and within that community of saints I will speak well of those I leave behind. I’m getting too preachy. too somber, too cross my hands, kneel down and look holy. Not enough fun, excitement, joy and laughter. Cancer has come with an equal share of those things, as did our lives and ministries.

The Joyful Side of Cancer

Blasphemy you say. I agree. I thread on a slippery slope. With the havoc this horrible disease causes within the individual, the family, the community and nation as a whole how can we speak of joy. During that first six days I was given to survive I especially thought there was something sacrilegious in such talk. Now, after three years with some first hand experience of the rage which so frequently visits my body can I dare be so disrespectful to others bearing such horrible scars. I mean no disrespect to spouses, families, children or friends who experience neither joy nor happiness within the ugliness of cancer’s domain. You would have to be psycho not to do all within your power to seek escape from this monstrous world. However, isn’t there something out there that says His grace can be sufficient? Careful my lad! You have yet to be fully tested and yet how many times already have there been some legitimate questions of performance? I’d ask you at this point to spend some time with me at my blog (http://96ryerson.blogspot.com) where you’ll find some of those incidents of joy and laughter. I encourage you to continue to bring joy and happiness to those you find in the real life you live today. I hope you might more frequently find and bring Jesus into our midst. I ask for your encouragement to complete my book that I have halfway finished. As the disciples before us we need to record God’s goodness and love. It’s truly hard to believe.

A quick recollection of some of the no fun aspects of the past few years. Asking some of those I love to back off because I was being smothered and my doctor was telling me to take control of my life. There were no other options if I were to make progress. I was slowly becoming the bionic man – eyes were being replaced – cataracts out and problems with my retina still being addressed. Medications were constantly challenging me to answer the question – who am I? My urologist – wait just a minute – there are still things that are sacred and personal. Lots of humility. My feet, hands have become relatively inoperable and constantly painful. In the arena of the personal I am now one of the few guys wearing $500. Stockings. My oh my what good looking legs. I would be giving the Bette Grabels of the past a run for their money. I’m tempted to think at times my grand kids love me because I give them rides on my electric wheel chair. I’m fast and dangerous, but it’s the closest I come to driving these days. I froze my butt off last year at Halloween waiting for the kids to come by. Along with the goodies I take pictures and love it. The kids do also. My “port” operation was one of the best things to happen to me. I don’t know how they sustained the needles in the “old” days. I will not dwell on the one doctor who did some diagnostic work – the assistant kept saying “no doctor, that’s your left and not your right”. My God she was right. It was disaster Ville. I’m so glad we were not talking amputation. I could go on, but I’m already in trouble with Dave Gawlick for exceeding my given boundaries. It’s not just my mouth that runneth over.

Yesterday I received two emails. The one in the am told me of a Marriott friend diagnosed with kidney cancer and sent home to a hospice set up from Georgetown. Last night the second email said that he was greeted at the door with the words that Granny had just died. Isn’t it wonderful that we are left with the power of our prayers? To those who have prayed for me – thank you.

If I had died within six days I would not have known Zoe, Monty or Laura, my grandkids and therapeutic cat nor would you have had the opportunity to show me all the kindness you have.

Go In Peace

Deo Gratias.

Frank Kabisch

Email fkabisch@comcast.net

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year

Family Update '08

Tara is employed with Starz Entertainment in Colorado.  Mike walks the streets of Seattle in search of homeless with a special eye out for the vet.  He's done with his class work and this is his final OJT towards his drug/alcohol counseling certification.  Tim raises Monty Pope as the most fantastic of kids.  Their spouses, Jim, Debi and Jessie continue to be the pride of our lives.  Kris sacrifices all to care and love me.  I remain stable in my cancer as I move into my fourth year of survival.  

When asked if I've had a good day my response is more focused.  No, I never do, but the hours and minutes have been enough to make it all worthwhile, fantastic moments of a lifetime.  The warmth of a childhood remembrance, the experiences of teenage progress and failure, the strong and faulty steps of adulthood and the marvels of priesthood, marriage, and parenthood bring depth and joy to these moments of now.  We have grown in your friendships as we have been nourished by the gifts of God throughout our lives.

The laughs and joys of each day continue as they provide balance to the pain and hurt of a cancer little understood.  I am humbled in moments of self-pity by the courage and love of friends in their illnesses and deaths.  they have lit the highway before me as I maneuver the turns and dangers that arise from day to day.  Their examples help us to better appreciate the celebrations of the year and now of Christmas.

There will be toys under the tree.  We will all be together.  In our togetherness we will laugh and enjoy the day as we ponder the mystery of it all.  Jesus is born to us.  Mary is happy amidst her sufferings and Joseph will forever be a model of quiet strength and gift of self.  May we all be granted a level of faith that brings alive the meaning of love in togetherness, gift giving, sacrifice and prayer.

God bless you all in His love.