Should I have died by now?

What a question for me to honestly ask of myself. I look in the mirror and see a face and body that has evolved a long way since I first hit that low point of 115 and was told that I had less than 2 weeks to put myself together for a rather long and unique end of life journey. Wow! How much has happened since then.

Perhaps the most difficult to comprehend was the passage of so many others. Perhaps, Chuck Bussey was my biggest shock. As I look back I would call it a more than life relationship. We didn’t have much time together. We had a friendship that kept work in it’s proper relationship, but then beyond that we had a sense that there was more to life than just work, we shared a sense of the importance of our families within the importance of many other things, a sense of the uniqueness if the past, but yet room for still more. I could go on, but I’ll leave it there – there was a comfort that in a short relationship in this life I would be uniquely remembered by him in this relationship of the future. Shortly before his death he sent me a copy of his brother’s award winning book of poetry. I keep it at bedside. He was very proud of his brother, as I sensed his brother was of him. Their sensitivity with the meaning of words and the words of our language was an education in itself for me.

There were many others. Some I re-found from the early days, but from friendships that had never been severed, just traveled down different paths. At my 50th reunion from high school I listened in amazement from a slice out of life from the Seinfeld series. A classmate, Mancuso, told me about a race between he and I that I had never remembered. There was one spot still open on the Penn Relays Mile relay team. Our coach arranged for a run off between he and I for that position. Mancuso said that he led for the entire race until the last few seconds when I swept past him for the slot. The Penn Relay’s were the most sought after of all trips available to us. What he never knew was I wasn’t sure if I could even come up with the few cents necessary to meet at our central departure place together.

God has been good to me these past two years. I have had to ask myself – what about all the others who have been so good to me? Kris and the kids who have been through so much every single day without relent, friends who have never asked for escape from our friendships, the new friends and acquaintances who are always willing to step in and help. My repayment has been meager. I pray with them and share my pain with them. I am sort of blessed by my hands. My hands are uniquely scarred and blood damaged. At first, I was so proud that my hands were clear and unmarked, but soon the ugliness sneaked in and I was reminded daily that within me there was an illness that was not easily going to relinquish its grip on my life and in the end would be the victor after taking its share every day. The fight was on and would not cease until the very end.

I’m going to bring this to an end but not without first reminding you that there are many others in your midst who right now – aware or unaware may be more ill than I am at this moment. We are all His children and worthy of his love. I remember you all every day and ask the same of you. Be good to each other – share the good things of your lives together with each other. Don’t focus on the negative aspects of your lives, but on the wonders and the gifts of such wonders and such blessings that you have been gifted with. Plan today how you might make another’s just a little more memorable. Take care. Last night , Halloween, I sat in my wheelchair outside, in the dark, at the top of my driveway, and as I froze my bottom off I thought of how blessed I was to say trick or treat and then wonder was that my line or was it the kids = what did it matter – we all smiled and laughed and it made for a nice Halloween.

Excuse me! Was that a whistle? What do you mean? Nice legs?

Now I know what Greta Garbo and the rest of Hollywood’s old superstars felt like. My new stockings have not only provided a curative function! Now! I also have beautiful “gams” with no fear of them turning into elephant legs.

Kristen/Chloe had her own uniquely bad week. Few of us realize how difficult it is to be a care giver and especially when you love the patient. Kris slipped and fell on a scatter rug in our main entranceway while trying to do multiple chores at the same time. The result was broken wrist, nose and bone above one eye. Only the wrist was able to be put into a cast. Pain and discomfort have not prevented her from continuing multiple tasks. The cancer is less painful than trying to get Kris to slow up. There is no doubt in my mind that I would now be dead if it were not for Kris and Dr. Cox. On this past Saturday she sat in our van all day while I took a full day’s class in PhotoShopElements at Pierce Education Center. I have not been nor evidently will not be allowed to be out of her sight for the rest of my life. At times she will relinquish this to other intimate family members only after they have passed all tests to be Certified Frank Kabisch Care Givers and believe me passing that test is not easy. For more than thirty years I don’t think I have ever met anyone who doesn’t know how much I love Kris, but maybe like many men I haven’t always been that gifted in letting her know the same thing. For that, I have many, many regrets as I persist in that same fault. Not only Kris, but my kids deserve better than that.

I’ve been able to manipulate and enjoy the hills and streets of Madera with new chair. I hope to get out soon and capture the trees as they once again change colors. We have lived in Madera for over twenty years and each time I venture out I enjoy its beauty in ways I never did before. Kris and I had a good trip recently to Nisqually. I was able to join the crowd one afternoon on the roads of the new local Golf Course. Again capturing the beauty of Puget Sound in an entirely new way. The vistas are magnificent and always different. We’ll have to go back for lunch some afternoon. We understand the food is good and the prices reasonable. Also escaped the family at the end of a meal on Rustin Way and while they sat and BS’d, I did the entire stretch of Ruston at my own pace. I’ve spent more time at the Zoo than some of the animals and have the photos to prove it. Each trip leaves me totally exhausted but so thankful for escaping my bed which has been my prisoner for almost two years now. God has been so very good to me. My book remains unfinished but progress continues.

In the midst of so much I have also learned to live with the exhaustion, tolerate the pain, fill in a huge amount of time with all the different aspects of care and medications, learn more and more with each transition of medications the different patterns of change that rage through my body and leave me open to the toughest of all which is depression. I love all my medical team and may be one of only a few who know more about staffing personal problems (not sought after) than most. I can’t tell you the number of “second efforts” provided to me over these past few years. Although turnover has been minimal, each one has been like losing a good friend. I still try to stay ahead on my personal goals but find little time to meet the demand. I’m really disappointed in not keeping up with my painting and photography but hope this winter will allow some peace and quiet for this. I have returned to saying Mass privately and that has meant an awful lot to me. One of my best priest friends from Seminary days has just had his cause for Sainthood officially moved ahead. He was shot to death in the early eighties in Guatemala after three hit men tried to make him into one of the missing. It was their goal to remove him from his rectory and kill him somewhere and become one of the missing. He was strong as an ox and able to resist them enough that they had to shoot him and leave him to die alone because it had taken so much time and caused such a ruckus. I’ve always considered Stan a special friend who continues that friendship from a place I long to share with him. A politician he never was, a loving priest of the native people he always was.

Yesterday, I got the final word on second cataract removal. The first was better than twenty so cross your toes. More medications coming my way. It looks like they are beginning to cut up different parts of the old body – want to put in an order?

My grand children from CO will soon be here for a quick visit. Kris will be making a quick trip to change babysitting assignments from me to the kids. Mike will assume duties here with me. He will live in fear of his life until Kris returns and gives him a heads up on a job well done. The kids have come and gone. We had nothing less than a magnificent time. The laughter and fun were fantastic. I just listened and laughed and laughed and laughed with them. They make quite the team – they really enjoy one another.

My congratulations to one in our midst who has recently became a grandfather. I couldn’t be happier for him. God bless the entire family. We all need each other so much. Let’s make it a better world.

Although I have not written of late about Laura my Pediatric Cat so as not to bore you to death with the wonders of my life, she has truly been one of the wonders of the world for me. She has done so much for both Kris and my morale. In fact I would extend that to the entire family. Bad Girl is so easily translated to – okay you won again and you can only get away with this for another thousand times or more. A friend was over one night to show his spouse how she retrieves and of course that night SHE DID NOT RETRIEVE. I guess I was just too tired.

If you ever get a pet from a pound the one thing I would like to know about and to meet if possible would be the family that volunteered for the Faster Care Program to keep and train before she/he was put up for adoption. The woman who had Laura was marvelous and even had a say in screening potential adopters – that’s why we got Laura – she put the jinx on a previous family who she thought was a mismatch. She did everything with her.

Again, I pray for you what I pray for myself and my family – peace. No matter what – may you have peace. Thanks for hanging in there with me. You have been wonderful friends.

Catch-up – Revisit With Regards to Legs and Massage.

We seem to have gotten things in time. We will not have to bandage at night. What a relief. That sounded worse than a death sentence. Too much for Kris alone with everything else. I really feel I have begun to make some contributions around the house and in going out. Not much, but something. Gives me a little dignity. Tara and family will be here next month. Jessie loves Seattle U. These have been bad days for me. Tim and I went out to Olive Garden together yesterday. It was good for me. We will go to Seattle this week and meet with the other members of the clan.

Mike promised me he would not box. I begged him not to. Just when he gets his eyes fixed after all those years, he wants to lose them because he can’t quit when a guy is beating the shit out of him. We’ll see. They continue to break your heart and don’t ease up until there is nothing left. I know he will keep the promise. I didn’t want to do it, but I had to.

With The Good News – Comes Also The Bad (??)

This is my "after" picture. As you can see, not too bad, huh! I'll explain below.

The good – I’m still in a state of the cancer being controlled and that continues to be a miracle from the original 6 day death sentence; however, it now sounds like another incurable that will be a pest the rest of my life – it’s called lymphedema. It’s directly related to the swelling I have been having in my legs and the stockings I am still waiting for but should be here within days. My specialist may have some less dramatic information than I have found in the book she has shared with us. I hope she has and has caught the worst of this which I believe she has. She gave the book to Kris and said don’t allow me to see the pictures, but you know it became the only thing I was interested in seeing and reading about – sorry about that – Kris thinks they look like pictures of “elephant man”. Maybe that’s why I go to the Zoo so frequently.

You have to wear the stockings for the rest of your life and bandage them at night for the same period. She said she would teach us to bandage next visit. It looks like the – wise guy should have not flown to Denver after all. There are special concerns about flying. I’m still glad I didn’t know them – it was the opportunity of a life time and I’M GLAD NO ONE STOPPED ME. I’ve also been classified hypomanic which could be a good thing or a bad thing. Since I have a number of bad things creeping into my corner I’ll take it as good.

I continue to be out every day since I got my wheel chair, and although exhausting, it is also a good thing. I no longer fall asleep but pass out. Kris and I were at Nisqually – she was exhausted and revolutionary when I said I thought I could do the 5 1/2 mile trail. Thought she would feed me to the eagles. They may be back, but that doesn’t make them any less hungry.

Mike and Jessie had me to the Pound last week followed by lunch on Ruston Way and getting the tire fixed on the other car – too much for me - we skipped the Zoo, although Mike’s friend took me with his very sharp nine month old son – he’s trying to keep me young and doing a good job. I got some great pictures.

I’ve got loads of things on my medical schedule and saving an entire day for a full class in Adobe Photoshop. Got some financial stuff done when Kris’s sister was here for the month and they both got a lot accomplished with work around the house.

This Wheel Chair Has a Motor.

Yes freedom has arrived and after almost 2 years in bed. Except for medical related issues, I am out of prison. It is a dream machine – the Lamborghini of the wheelchair world. It can go 25 miles on one battery charge and it can do that at 6 miles per hour. It’s not easy for others to keep up with me.

This past weekend Mike and Jessie drove Kris and I to a Peace Corps friend’s wedding in Leavenworth. It was a great get-away for all of us. I knew the gal from my visit to Jamaica and knew them both from their visits to my home here after their return and relocation to Seattle and Deanna’s return to graduate school and work towards her Ph.D.

My pain changes constantly with medications and leaves me working with my doctors to reach some sort of stability - which I believe we are closing in on. My patch, which is an opiate, is just about at the top of the scale, but it has brought relief now that has been working for two weeks.

My new wheelchair brings with it – its own side effects. Edema is beginning to settle in. At the end of a day from sitting up in the chair – my feet, ankles and lower extremities of my legs are one big scary swollen mess. Today I went to be custom measured for my new beige compression stockings. They should be here within two weeks, and they should be “pretty.” Thank God for having the right insurance – the wrong insurance would have result in an “off the shelf” compression stocking that they claim would not really work well. She thought that some damage has already taken place and wanted to prevent as much as possible in the future. She was very pleased with the containment steps I had taken even not knowing what to do. This is one of those things that can lead to serious side effects that become no fun. I should have the stockings within the next two weeks.