From despair to repair

It's almost spooky. It's 5:15am and I've been glued to my computer all evening. Now that I've discovered how to use it for all its movie and clip value I find my entire life shifting from day to night. My body does not function until after 2pm. Prior to that I'm just an entire mess. Yesterday morning was the worst of my life. The previous night I was exhausted and begged off on some medication. I'm already in the cycle where I don't take for 7 days my cancer medication which has some real side effects. During this period I have terrible nightmares. However, I didn't take medication which controls my mood and disposition. Wow! you talk about coming off cold turkey. I was in despair. I told Kris to put me in hospice and my thoughts of death were immediate and lacked faith. The poor people who have no drug regimen and have to live with pain and the other horrible effects of illnesses. Incredible!

Somehow, I think God allowed me to sense this abandonment that I might begin to understand the plight of others and maybe find a way to outreach and in some way bring comfort and kindness. Recently the plight of the aids victims and the hurt of the gay community itself has been brought to my attention. What to do? What am I capable of doing? I know that I'm gifted to share my own personal wounds and maybe I can reach out and bring comfort. Please pray for this intention and give me some direction. I have an interest in the girls of India nod want to continue attempting to raise money for their plight. I have written this week to Meeghan Black of Evening Magazine suggesting a show for the Wounded Warriors at the VA facility at American Lake. Sue Maloney is working there and I'm sure she brings kindness and dedication to each day's labor.

I think I should really bring the day to a close. Perhaps a short prayer would be helpful. Dear God, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit, please bring me strength and comfort as I put myself back together again. Yesterday, I thought it not possible to arrive at today. The pain, loneliness, and sense of despair was and is too much for me to handle. I've been and continue to be surrounded by love and I thank you so much. How do others carry on who are not surrounded by Kris, Tara, Mike, Tim, Jim, Debi, Jessie and my grandchildren. The rest of my family and the unlimited number of friends and countless blessings can so easily be taken away. I didn't know that and I still don't understand this balance of the mind that can so easily be restricted. In this prayer i cannot forget all of those experiencing this havoc of the mind which so many suffer from. Forgive me for never understanding others in this way. Forgive me and bring me strength. Give me faith, hope and charity. Allow me to grow in these gifts which allow intimacy, friendship and love not only here, but with you. I beg others to pray for me that I might become an instrument of love and goodness. I will not re read this before sending it to Tara and to the blog where I expose my weakness and lack of faith. Let us pray. Good might and allow your goodness in this coming day. Mary, Mother of God comfort me.

Hello Out There

Hello out there! Are you still there with me? I sincerely hope so. What kind of excuses can I send your way? I just don’t know if any will hold any water.

I’m going to attempt to post a recent picture with full raggedy beard. I honestly believe it's a reflection of what was going on within me. I’m glad God didn't call me because I certainly didn’t feel ready. I sort of, kinda didn’t feel anyone would want to be in my company. Can anyone tell me where 1/1/10 until yesterday went. It was a speedy unfilled time. I wish I could better reflect to others the effects that drugs (I think drugs.) have on you. Anyway, anyhow, at this moment things are a lot brighter. I’ve been kicking myself for not enough activity in my life, but then again, maybe there was just enough. Not to cop out completely I constantly ask Chloe what kind of a burden I am, but she’s constantly not complaining, although I don’t know how she really can’t. I have to be a pain in the ass and that’s just no fun for anyone. I do try each day to be less of a pain and take inventory as best I can. Tara sent me a laundry list that might make life for others just a little more fruitful and scout’s honor, I’ll give it a shot.

It's almost 2 am and the program I was in started to balk about me being in it so I've had to switch to TextEdit and just hope it will work. I'm sorry Tara. It's in RichTextFormat and should work. I'll fight it out for another 1/2 hour and then relax into Frontline or Frontline World to close out my day or should I say morning.

I spent several hours with my eye doctor this afternoon and all is well with the world. I'm 20/20 in both eyes and the part of the eye that was crinkled is now lying flat. Both the cataract eye operations and the gall bladder seem to be making me a more better physical human being. I recall my dad back in the late 40's almost going blind before they were able to help. If you know anyone reluctant about getting help, tell them a piece of cake. However, I also know it hasn't been true for some so remember, the best advice comes from the doctor and not from people like me.

I've hidden from the horrors of Haiti and Chile. I just couldn't take it and have bunkered myself away with the Olympics. What a coward. I wish I could go and be of some help. Prayer may be better than any help I could offer on the ground.

I watched a piece on Roberto Clemente yesterday and his response to the Nicaragua earthquake. The poor guy rented a DC6 and loaded it with supplies. It was a dunk box and they flew him right into the ocean from his home in Puerto Rico and they were never heard from again. I flew on such a piece of crap once. We had the farm club of the New Orleans Saints staying at the seminary with us one summer. It was a great piece of business. They had an away game outside of Boston and chartered one of those unregulated garbage trucks. I couldn't believe it. They really did check the tires by simply kicking them. You would not believe some of the junk that is up there trying to desperately stay up there trying to get one more trip out of it. That night it was raining and I have to tell you I may have shit my paints. Remember a few years ago when an entire college team went down with all the players and coaches. It sends shivers up my back even now. Clemente was at the peek of his career and he couldn't have been doing more for others.

I'll annoy you with one more of those kind of stories. I once flew first class across the aisle from Jackie Robinson shortly before his death. I am proud to say I left him alone and didn't bug him although that's exactly what I wanted to do. His hair at that time was 101% snow white from suffering the pangs and barbs of those who would bring him as much suffering as possible. The same was true with Clemente. I remember having a beer in a backwards segregated bar. It was L shaped. I think I must have drunk out of the last water fountain back in '57 in Alabama. When we walked out from the seminary in those days the locals honestly believed we had webbed feet as Catholics, but you know what, having webbed feet is not all webbed feet is not all that uncommon. Enough of that nonsense and just a few extra prayers that we stop hating one another. I watch some of the portals in Iraq and Pakistan and at times listen to the hatred for us not only because we're Americans, but more so because we're Jews or Christians. Even today, there is so much persecution going on against one or another. When will we learn? The Balkans continue to be a hot bed of hatred. What a wonderful joy to see Hilary exit Air Force One in Saudi. Our gals within Marriott had to put up with that shit when they accepted an assignment behind enemy (ally lines) lines.

Again I say and mean it, good night oh no, good morning.