What a question for me to honestly ask of myself. I look in the mirror and see a face and body that has evolved a long way since I first hit that low point of 115 and was told that I had less than 2 weeks to put myself together for a rather long and unique end of life journey. Wow! How much has happened since then.
Perhaps the most difficult to comprehend was the passage of so many others. Perhaps, Chuck Bussey was my biggest shock. As I look back I would call it a more than life relationship. We didn’t have much time together. We had a friendship that kept work in it’s proper relationship, but then beyond that we had a sense that there was more to life than just work, we shared a sense of the importance of our families within the importance of many other things, a sense of the uniqueness if the past, but yet room for still more. I could go on, but I’ll leave it there – there was a comfort that in a short relationship in this life I would be uniquely remembered by him in this relationship of the future. Shortly before his death he sent me a copy of his brother’s award winning book of poetry. I keep it at bedside. He was very proud of his brother, as I sensed his brother was of him. Their sensitivity with the meaning of words and the words of our language was an education in itself for me.
There were many others. Some I re-found from the early days, but from friendships that had never been severed, just traveled down different paths. At my 50th reunion from high school I listened in amazement from a slice out of life from the Seinfeld series. A classmate, Mancuso, told me about a race between he and I that I had never remembered. There was one spot still open on the Penn Relays Mile relay team. Our coach arranged for a run off between he and I for that position. Mancuso said that he led for the entire race until the last few seconds when I swept past him for the slot. The Penn Relay’s were the most sought after of all trips available to us. What he never knew was I wasn’t sure if I could even come up with the few cents necessary to meet at our central departure place together.
God has been good to me these past two years. I have had to ask myself – what about all the others who have been so good to me? Kris and the kids who have been through so much every single day without relent, friends who have never asked for escape from our friendships, the new friends and acquaintances who are always willing to step in and help. My repayment has been meager. I pray with them and share my pain with them. I am sort of blessed by my hands. My hands are uniquely scarred and blood damaged. At first, I was so proud that my hands were clear and unmarked, but soon the ugliness sneaked in and I was reminded daily that within me there was an illness that was not easily going to relinquish its grip on my life and in the end would be the victor after taking its share every day. The fight was on and would not cease until the very end.
I’m going to bring this to an end but not without first reminding you that there are many others in your midst who right now – aware or unaware may be more ill than I am at this moment. We are all His children and worthy of his love. I remember you all every day and ask the same of you. Be good to each other – share the good things of your lives together with each other. Don’t focus on the negative aspects of your lives, but on the wonders and the gifts of such wonders and such blessings that you have been gifted with. Plan today how you might make another’s just a little more memorable. Take care. Last night , Halloween, I sat in my wheelchair outside, in the dark, at the top of my driveway, and as I froze my bottom off I thought of how blessed I was to say trick or treat and then wonder was that my line or was it the kids = what did it matter – we all smiled and laughed and it made for a nice Halloween.
Friday, November 02, 2007
Excuse me! Was that a whistle? What do you mean? Nice legs?
Now I know what Greta Garbo and the rest of Hollywood’s old superstars felt like. My new stockings have not only provided a curative function! Now! I also have beautiful “gams” with no fear of them turning into elephant legs.
Kristen/Chloe had her own uniquely bad week. Few of us realize how difficult it is to be a care giver and especially when you love the patient. Kris slipped and fell on a scatter rug in our main entranceway while trying to do multiple chores at the same time. The result was broken wrist, nose and bone above one eye. Only the wrist was able to be put into a cast. Pain and discomfort have not prevented her from continuing multiple tasks. The cancer is less painful than trying to get Kris to slow up. There is no doubt in my mind that I would now be dead if it were not for Kris and Dr. Cox. On this past Saturday she sat in our van all day while I took a full day’s class in PhotoShopElements at Pierce Education Center. I have not been nor evidently will not be allowed to be out of her sight for the rest of my life. At times she will relinquish this to other intimate family members only after they have passed all tests to be Certified Frank Kabisch Care Givers and believe me passing that test is not easy. For more than thirty years I don’t think I have ever met anyone who doesn’t know how much I love Kris, but maybe like many men I haven’t always been that gifted in letting her know the same thing. For that, I have many, many regrets as I persist in that same fault. Not only Kris, but my kids deserve better than that.
I’ve been able to manipulate and enjoy the hills and streets of Madera with new chair. I hope to get out soon and capture the trees as they once again change colors. We have lived in Madera for over twenty years and each time I venture out I enjoy its beauty in ways I never did before. Kris and I had a good trip recently to Nisqually. I was able to join the crowd one afternoon on the roads of the new local Golf Course. Again capturing the beauty of Puget Sound in an entirely new way. The vistas are magnificent and always different. We’ll have to go back for lunch some afternoon. We understand the food is good and the prices reasonable. Also escaped the family at the end of a meal on Rustin Way and while they sat and BS’d, I did the entire stretch of Ruston at my own pace. I’ve spent more time at the Zoo than some of the animals and have the photos to prove it. Each trip leaves me totally exhausted but so thankful for escaping my bed which has been my prisoner for almost two years now. God has been so very good to me. My book remains unfinished but progress continues.
In the midst of so much I have also learned to live with the exhaustion, tolerate the pain, fill in a huge amount of time with all the different aspects of care and medications, learn more and more with each transition of medications the different patterns of change that rage through my body and leave me open to the toughest of all which is depression. I love all my medical team and may be one of only a few who know more about staffing personal problems (not sought after) than most. I can’t tell you the number of “second efforts” provided to me over these past few years. Although turnover has been minimal, each one has been like losing a good friend. I still try to stay ahead on my personal goals but find little time to meet the demand. I’m really disappointed in not keeping up with my painting and photography but hope this winter will allow some peace and quiet for this. I have returned to saying Mass privately and that has meant an awful lot to me. One of my best priest friends from Seminary days has just had his cause for Sainthood officially moved ahead. He was shot to death in the early eighties in Guatemala after three hit men tried to make him into one of the missing. It was their goal to remove him from his rectory and kill him somewhere and become one of the missing. He was strong as an ox and able to resist them enough that they had to shoot him and leave him to die alone because it had taken so much time and caused such a ruckus. I’ve always considered Stan a special friend who continues that friendship from a place I long to share with him. A politician he never was, a loving priest of the native people he always was.
Yesterday, I got the final word on second cataract removal. The first was better than twenty so cross your toes. More medications coming my way. It looks like they are beginning to cut up different parts of the old body – want to put in an order?
My grand children from CO will soon be here for a quick visit. Kris will be making a quick trip to change babysitting assignments from me to the kids. Mike will assume duties here with me. He will live in fear of his life until Kris returns and gives him a heads up on a job well done. The kids have come and gone. We had nothing less than a magnificent time. The laughter and fun were fantastic. I just listened and laughed and laughed and laughed with them. They make quite the team – they really enjoy one another.
My congratulations to one in our midst who has recently became a grandfather. I couldn’t be happier for him. God bless the entire family. We all need each other so much. Let’s make it a better world.
Although I have not written of late about Laura my Pediatric Cat so as not to bore you to death with the wonders of my life, she has truly been one of the wonders of the world for me. She has done so much for both Kris and my morale. In fact I would extend that to the entire family. Bad Girl is so easily translated to – okay you won again and you can only get away with this for another thousand times or more. A friend was over one night to show his spouse how she retrieves and of course that night SHE DID NOT RETRIEVE. I guess I was just too tired.
If you ever get a pet from a pound the one thing I would like to know about and to meet if possible would be the family that volunteered for the Faster Care Program to keep and train before she/he was put up for adoption. The woman who had Laura was marvelous and even had a say in screening potential adopters – that’s why we got Laura – she put the jinx on a previous family who she thought was a mismatch. She did everything with her.
Again, I pray for you what I pray for myself and my family – peace. No matter what – may you have peace. Thanks for hanging in there with me. You have been wonderful friends.
Kristen/Chloe had her own uniquely bad week. Few of us realize how difficult it is to be a care giver and especially when you love the patient. Kris slipped and fell on a scatter rug in our main entranceway while trying to do multiple chores at the same time. The result was broken wrist, nose and bone above one eye. Only the wrist was able to be put into a cast. Pain and discomfort have not prevented her from continuing multiple tasks. The cancer is less painful than trying to get Kris to slow up. There is no doubt in my mind that I would now be dead if it were not for Kris and Dr. Cox. On this past Saturday she sat in our van all day while I took a full day’s class in PhotoShopElements at Pierce Education Center. I have not been nor evidently will not be allowed to be out of her sight for the rest of my life. At times she will relinquish this to other intimate family members only after they have passed all tests to be Certified Frank Kabisch Care Givers and believe me passing that test is not easy. For more than thirty years I don’t think I have ever met anyone who doesn’t know how much I love Kris, but maybe like many men I haven’t always been that gifted in letting her know the same thing. For that, I have many, many regrets as I persist in that same fault. Not only Kris, but my kids deserve better than that.
I’ve been able to manipulate and enjoy the hills and streets of Madera with new chair. I hope to get out soon and capture the trees as they once again change colors. We have lived in Madera for over twenty years and each time I venture out I enjoy its beauty in ways I never did before. Kris and I had a good trip recently to Nisqually. I was able to join the crowd one afternoon on the roads of the new local Golf Course. Again capturing the beauty of Puget Sound in an entirely new way. The vistas are magnificent and always different. We’ll have to go back for lunch some afternoon. We understand the food is good and the prices reasonable. Also escaped the family at the end of a meal on Rustin Way and while they sat and BS’d, I did the entire stretch of Ruston at my own pace. I’ve spent more time at the Zoo than some of the animals and have the photos to prove it. Each trip leaves me totally exhausted but so thankful for escaping my bed which has been my prisoner for almost two years now. God has been so very good to me. My book remains unfinished but progress continues.
In the midst of so much I have also learned to live with the exhaustion, tolerate the pain, fill in a huge amount of time with all the different aspects of care and medications, learn more and more with each transition of medications the different patterns of change that rage through my body and leave me open to the toughest of all which is depression. I love all my medical team and may be one of only a few who know more about staffing personal problems (not sought after) than most. I can’t tell you the number of “second efforts” provided to me over these past few years. Although turnover has been minimal, each one has been like losing a good friend. I still try to stay ahead on my personal goals but find little time to meet the demand. I’m really disappointed in not keeping up with my painting and photography but hope this winter will allow some peace and quiet for this. I have returned to saying Mass privately and that has meant an awful lot to me. One of my best priest friends from Seminary days has just had his cause for Sainthood officially moved ahead. He was shot to death in the early eighties in Guatemala after three hit men tried to make him into one of the missing. It was their goal to remove him from his rectory and kill him somewhere and become one of the missing. He was strong as an ox and able to resist them enough that they had to shoot him and leave him to die alone because it had taken so much time and caused such a ruckus. I’ve always considered Stan a special friend who continues that friendship from a place I long to share with him. A politician he never was, a loving priest of the native people he always was.
Yesterday, I got the final word on second cataract removal. The first was better than twenty so cross your toes. More medications coming my way. It looks like they are beginning to cut up different parts of the old body – want to put in an order?
My grand children from CO will soon be here for a quick visit. Kris will be making a quick trip to change babysitting assignments from me to the kids. Mike will assume duties here with me. He will live in fear of his life until Kris returns and gives him a heads up on a job well done. The kids have come and gone. We had nothing less than a magnificent time. The laughter and fun were fantastic. I just listened and laughed and laughed and laughed with them. They make quite the team – they really enjoy one another.
My congratulations to one in our midst who has recently became a grandfather. I couldn’t be happier for him. God bless the entire family. We all need each other so much. Let’s make it a better world.
Although I have not written of late about Laura my Pediatric Cat so as not to bore you to death with the wonders of my life, she has truly been one of the wonders of the world for me. She has done so much for both Kris and my morale. In fact I would extend that to the entire family. Bad Girl is so easily translated to – okay you won again and you can only get away with this for another thousand times or more. A friend was over one night to show his spouse how she retrieves and of course that night SHE DID NOT RETRIEVE. I guess I was just too tired.
If you ever get a pet from a pound the one thing I would like to know about and to meet if possible would be the family that volunteered for the Faster Care Program to keep and train before she/he was put up for adoption. The woman who had Laura was marvelous and even had a say in screening potential adopters – that’s why we got Laura – she put the jinx on a previous family who she thought was a mismatch. She did everything with her.
Again, I pray for you what I pray for myself and my family – peace. No matter what – may you have peace. Thanks for hanging in there with me. You have been wonderful friends.
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